ode to nathan explosion

Love Is Patient

Love is patient,
love is kind.

It does not envy, it does not boast,
it is not proud

It is not rude, it is not self-seeking,
it is not easily angered,
it keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil,
but rejoices with the truth.

It always protects, always trusts,
always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.

 

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

tonight -- 

we were laying in bed and i grew bored of watching that actor's studio or whatever shit on bravo with john lipton. i stared off into space as nathan sat glued to the tv. he looked at me every few seconds to see what i was staring at / doing and eventually asked me what was up.. of course, i said NOTHING. then he started staring off at the ceiling. things got quiet. 

 he wrapped his arms around me and just held me, then i started crying. good job meee. he kept asking what was wrong and i eventually told him that hearing about the military alone scared me, and that it's been causing me to lose sleep because it's the last thought on my mind before i pass out. we talked in depth about it, and he held me the whole time, wiping my tears and consoling me.. and he explained that he's looking at everything in regards to the future: job security, money, insurance.. the whole nine yards. he also told me that he needs to sacrifice now for the very thing he wants to provide for... me.. and our future children. 

 

 i'm glad he's serious about a future together. i'm afraid of the fact that his decision to join the air force has practically been made, and now it's just a matter of time until he walks into the recruiter's office and he gets shipped off to boot camp. 

 It's hard to say that I won't crumble and break apart when that time comes for me to surrender nathan to the air force. feeling like shit when you (temporarily) part ways with someone is natural. nathan and i have experienced that first-hand when i left for the philippines. in that case, i came back after a month, and it won't be the same way with the air force. as i've said before, i'm not a big fan of the idea because i'm scared of losing him. inevitably, that will ALWAYS be a constant fear. 

 

i wish i could say that i'm ready to take on the challenges of being an air force girlfriend/fiancee/wife but i'm not prepared. then again, who's to say what prepared is and what is unprepared. from what i understand, nothing is ever cut and dried when it comes to being a military man's significant other. hopefully if (and when) the time comes, i'll be more at ease about this sore subject.. and more willing to face the truth of what lies ahead of me for the next 20 years.. or however long nathan chooses to stay in the air force. 

Our conversation on AIM

after he took me home tonight.. Bold = me, not bold = him.. 

• i feel like i'd pick myself up and follow you.. it sounds stupid but i dont know
• No
  
• You need to finish school
  
• i will
  
• when i finish it ill get off my ass and find you
  
• Sounds like a plan
  
• i wish you could just get stationed in langley
  
• That's the hope
  
• or even andrews AFB
  
• there's cherry point in NC
  
• Cross that bridge when I get to it
  
• i don't know how else to say / convey the fact that this scares me
  
• I've seen it in your face and the way you behave when its brought up
  
• i'll be up front and say that one of my biggest fears is losing you to some random ho in the middle of some bumfuck base nowhere
  
• Please
  
• i know it's not you but i get scared
  
• a stupid thing to be afraid of
  
• You've seen my sexdrive ( lackthereof), ill be fine
  
• im not perfect and i dont want you to find "perfect" in someone else
  
• i have soo many insecurities
  
• i need to get over myself
  
• I know
  
• Just concern yourself first and foremost about stationing
  
• i hope you dont end up in south dakota or al udeid wheerver that is
  
• that kid who had a party in chesapeake and we went with merishna a long time ago is in middle east or something
  
• I'm worried about ending up overseas
  
• but he does pararescue
  
• joe's going to italy
  
• I know
  
• i don't want to rush it but if you go overseas i hope we're at least engaged/married
  
• i never thought i'd try to push the issue and either of those are probably the wrong way to go with it
  
• I know that thought has come across my mind too
  
• i just don't want to be alone
  
• i never thought i'd have that come in such a hurry
  
• i always thought after college maybe 2-3 years after graduation he'd drop the bomb on me
  
• 11:39 PM
  
• my mind hurts
  
• I know
  
• I walk around my stupid ass job thinking about this shit all day
  
• i doubt i'll get a job any time soon
  
• 5-6 hrs / week
  
• Ew
  
• i wish i was 10 and that i was still a trooper with deployment
  
• :-(
• And I haven't even joined yet
  

i'm not a spiritual/religious person but maybe this is a test of faith, perseverance, and most of all, love. 

we'll make it through..