once again, i feel like i've bottled myself up.
when i last broke out into tears and told you it was because i was stressed over money issues, i was lying. this is probably yet another stupid mind-issue of mine.
let's rewind to thursday night, you took me home early. you told me you went to "get gas" after leaving my house. while i shouldn't be getting down to the nitty-gritty with this, i feel upset. probably because we did the naughty and then i passed out and then you rushed me home. when i got off work later on that friday, i went to the apartment to eat my leftover lunch. in the fridge by my lunch was a never before seen six-pack of beer. while you may have really gotten gas and then bought beer the night before, i feel somewhat hurt that you lied about going out to get beer. i'm sure you feel it upsets me when i see beer, but i hate being lied to. even worse, i hate the truth.. because the truth usually hurts me. however -- i'm not asking you to tell me every time you drink beer, but if i see too much of it, i'll think you're crazy because you don't need beer EVERY week.
the reason i'm upset is because this is probably the second or third time you've ditched me early to buy beer. yuck, joose. yes - i'm a moron that keeps track. i'm aware that we both need our space. you're a man, i'm sure cracking a nice cold beer is a treat, but i take many things into consideration when you do things like that. way more factors than you probably care to know. i'm talking effects on beer and your body in the future. men looking pregnant is NOT cool. but don't worry, it's not often that i dissect things into tiny proportions and evaluate the issues. i don't know what my girl friends feel regarding the ability to relax their partner, but as your girlfriend, i take lots pride into knowing i can relax your mind and body, as well as many things that i do for you. of course, there'll be times that i am incapable of helping you relax and i'm well aware of that.
i'm probably being weird but i feel even more used after figuring out that you bought beer after having sex with me then promptly taking me home. though i'm your girlfriend of almost three years, it makes me feel like a "booty-call." for lack of better words, i guess it is like we had sex in vain. no real meaning to it, like we just did it for whatever reason and then i go home alone -- seemingly empty-handed, and you sit back with a cold beer. i know nowadays - or probably just when we have sex in general - we just focus on getting the job done, but sometimes i want to take my time with you and well, that usually doesn't last very long. but that's not the point of this..
like i said earlier, i take pride in a lot of things, and making sure you feel good at all times is among that list of my confidence boosters. as i mentioned, getting rid of me immediately after beating cakes so that you can wind down with a cold beer before bed makes me feel used. honestly, it leaves me questioning myself. "did i make him feel good? did i piss him off? is he having a shitty day and just not saying anything? what did i do wrong?!" i truly feel like a failure when i start to wonder like that.
i feel as though i've been put into the dark sometimes, especially when i found that new six-pack. it's weird but coming across that pack makes me feel like i'm not doing my job as your girlfriend. i'm here to listen to you and to help you with things. i feel completely helpless and useless when something else takes over any of my roles as a girlfriend, friend, sister, and daughter, but then again, maybe you just wanted the beer. who knows.
it would probably be different if you handed me one of those beers after sex, or even before sex, and didn't rush to take me home.
in a way, i feel like my confidence to help you wind down has lowered because lately it seems that you've found relaxation elsewhere, by the name of samuel adams.
i have no idea what i'm trying to say. i guess i'm just crazy... and when you asked "what's wrong" and i said i was stupid, this probably really is stupid.
i'm probably looking at this situation too hard.
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